my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
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I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
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Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How does one acquire holy water?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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