Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
