Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize