So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
