You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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