This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
