So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
