god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
