operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
