you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
