I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
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He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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