Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.