No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if only i could text you this smell
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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