thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
