I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
