I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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