i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
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I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
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In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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