We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.