Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he thought i was a dude.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.