I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.