Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
