I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
