there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
