alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
