I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
