So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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