Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
