Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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