i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
