Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm always down for nudity.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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