shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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