I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
