Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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