I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
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Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
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I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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