I just pynch a tree in the face
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
