Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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