I accidentally burped into my bong.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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