i already hear my dad disowning me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
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At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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