I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
