i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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