consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
