Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
