I can tuck mytits in my pants
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
