fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
