I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I looked at my own cervix.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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