Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize