This is not my ceiling
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
