ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
