five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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