you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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