I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
