There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
