capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
