he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
