Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
