sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
last night I used snow as a chaser
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
